Being Mrs Kirk: grandmother

I've been trying to think of the best way to share this story, and I don't know if I've actually figured it out so I'm just going to start writing. Warning, this is a wordy post Before I tell you about the day that changed my life, let me tell you more about the wonderful woman in it, My Grandmother.

Her name was Ila Inspiring Loving Angel, is the perfect way to describe her She made me believe in a love for people, that I never knew and only she could show me She judged no one, and she accepted everyone She was the most christlike woman I have ever had the privelage of knowing. Her home was always warm, quiet, and so welcoming. She was beautiful, but her actions and her values made her glow unlike anyone I've ever seen She had this way of hugging you, and you'd feel like you were home, cheering you up when she didn't even know you were sad, and calling you on the days you really needed someone. She was my angel We grew very close when I moved out here when I was 10, after her husband had passed I slept next to her every night for a few months to help her get through the loss, and I would do my best to make her smile and make her laugh. We moved in with her for awhile while we were trying to find a house, and I'll never forget those days and nights with her. Swedish pancakes for breakfast before school, walking to the bus stop on the corner while she watched me through the window, and she was there to give me a welcoming hug after school every-day. She was my closest friend, and there were days I'd rather spend nights with her at her house than with my friends. My Grandmother lived through so many experiences, and her stories remind me why she's such a strong woman. I miss her every. single. day...and I always will. Now, I had lost people in my life before to death, but no one as close as I was to my Grandma. Most my Grandparents had passed by the time I was 20(ish), except for Grandma Ila. She was holding on, she loved her grandkids, she loved her family and she loved her home. These were the things that kept her living longer, she told me. Anytime she would get sick or be in the hospital I knew she'd get better, something told me I wasn't losing my Grandma yet. In June of 2013, we got a call that my Grandmother was in the hospital and had to be life-flighted to Salt Lake City for a "pacemaker" for her heart. That day, I was scared. I was a mess for the three days before she came home, and when she came home, I spent my lunch breaks there every day. I would document her life on my laptop, she'd relax in her recliner and we'd reminisce about stories of her past. I knew it was going to be soon and I didn't want her to go without knowing everything about her, everything that made her strong, and what made her love the way she loved. In December, about a week before her passing, I went to visit her. She was moving a little slower than usual, talking a little quieter, and she just didn't seem to have as much energy. I had this overwhelming feeling that it was going to be soon. After I visited her that day, I said a prayer, and then I told my family to go visit her whenever they could. That night, we got a call, she was in the emergency room I had just got done putting the decorations on John & I's first Christmas tree, when I got the call. They sent her home a couple days later, she had home hospice and she could no longer do anything for herself anymore. She was a very independent woman, I can only imagine how frustrated she was about this. Family flew in from all over, to spend their last few days with her, she had many visitors from the community, her church, and even just people that knew her. She knew everyone On December 21st, John & I were about to head out to dinner when my Mom called, I knew before I even picked up the phone. All I said was "she's gone isn't she"...and she was. The feeling I got was so overwhelming, and unexplainable. I felt a relaxing, yet cramping feeling in my heart. I believe God was letting me know that she was in his arms, while also feeling the pain of losing her at the same time. It was unreal. We got in the car, headed over, and said our goodbyes even though she was already gone. Her house was a different kind of quiet than it normally was, & I felt like I was in a daze. I was hoping I was having a nightmare & i'd soon wake up, nothing felt real until I walked into her room and saw her laying so peacefully in her bed. I've never cried so hard in my life, I was bawling uncontrolably almost to my knees in my Dads arms. My best friend, my angel, was gone. When we left, there was an emptiness in my heart, in her house, and now in my life. She wasn't there to give me a hug & a kiss when I left her house that night She wasn't there to watch me walk out the door and say "I love you mmbye" She wasn't there anymore, and she wasn't coming back. That was the day that changed my life. I spent many nights in John's arms crying myself to sleep, I went into a type of depression where I didn't want to cook, clean, and you were lucky if you saw me wearing makeup. I didn't want to do anything. Luckily at this time I wasn't working, although I kinda wished I was so I had some kind of distraction. We spent the next few days with our family. Christmas was definetely not the same. We had a family tradition where Grandma would go on a drive and look at lights with us, we'd have Christmas Eve dinner, watch a movie and she'd stay the night. It had been many years since we had this tradition, but not having her there was the hardest. She loved Christmas, and it only made sense that she was in Heaven on this day. Christmas will never be the same without Grandma Ila... In her envelope titled "My Wishes" she had who she wanted to speak at her funeral, and what she wanted her Granddaughters to sing. I don't sing, but I was willing to do anything my Grandma wished for We sang "How Great Thou Art," at her funeral, and I barely made it through. I choked back many tears when I spoke at her funeral, and I was almost numb at the time of her graveside service. Which was beautiful by the way, her favorite color of casket, gorgeous flowers and all her loved ones.

I was pretty much numb the rest of the day. That's how it was, and I guess that's how grief is. Numbness one day, bawling the next. Then you're so depressed, you get angry for no reason, and you cry at the drop of a hat. John was my safe haven through this, I felt sorry for him at many times, but he was there to comfort me, wipe my tears, and hold me when I was falling apart. Our love grew so much through this. My life has changed, and I have to create a new one, I have a new kind of happiness because the happiness before, included her. I had no choice, I could either dwell on this and miss her selfishly the rest of my life, and be depressed and negative about it. OR I could find the good in it, realize where she is, and thank god everyday that I got as much time with her as I did. She's now my guardian angel. I know she's with me always, and I know she'll be at our wedding, she'll hold my baby before I get it, and she'll be in the hospital the day I give birth. She'll be there I might not be able to see her, or hear her sweet voice, I can't feel her warm hugs, or smell her fresh homemade bread, hear her laugh, or see her smile. But, she can see me, hear me, and be with me and our family for the rest of my life. One day I will see and be with her again, and for that, I am forever grateful. Until then, every petunia (her favorite flower) I see, I will think of her and with every beautiful sunset, I'll know she's around. Like this one, the night of her funeral...