When life gives you lemons

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest...but I never thought it'd be this hard, the struggles of medical bills, surgeries, tests & scans have made our marriage just a little harder. 

One minute we're planning a wedding and after the I do's, reality kicks in, life kicks in, and the next minute I'm waking up from surgery being told my fertility has been cut in half. All I wanted was to be a wife and a Mom, it didn't matter how hard I tried to find a career or something I was passionate in, I have an old soul so to me, it's about being a wife to a hard working man and a mother to one of the most amazing gifts God could give.

A month after my surgery I knew I had cysts again, I had "the pain" and I just knew but I went and got an ultrasound anyway. I had already met my deductible so it was free, & yes I was taking advantage of that.

That's when they found "it", this mass that was "near my cervix"

They needed a better look at it, so then they ordered the CT scan only to get a false diagnosis from a radiologist that it was what seemed to be a "chocolate cyst caused by endometriosis."

Very frustrating. I already knew I didn't have endometriosis, the woman who did my surgery knew that wasn't it but that we needed to do more research and find the answer. Had I not had a surgery to know that I didn't have endometriosis I would've taken this guys diagnosis and went on my way assuming it would just go away, instead of growing as I grew.

Timing is everything isn't it? 

On Christmas Eve I went in for an MRI at a different hospital with a better radiologist, in my opinion...

The only doctor I was working with was the OB/GYN that did my first surgery, after she got the results of the MRI she told me that it was not in an area she specialized in and referred me to a colon-rectal surgeon.

Shitty right? No pun intended...

I mean, I've heard of a colonoscopy before, but I'm 26 years old not 50. Why am I meeting with this guy? I called the surgeon's office, mailed over the discs for both the CT Scan & MRI, and waited for a call. He wanted to sit down with his radiologist & figure out what it was, and I was more then impressed with how fast I heard back and how professional he was. They couldn't tell me over the phone, but they told me I needed to come in and meet with the surgeon. My Mom & I drove to Salt Lake wondering what it could be, hoping it would be something that would just disappear, and from what the radiologists said so far it wasn't cancerous, which was great news. We sat in the waiting room with a bunch of older people and I wished I was wearing a shirt that said "I'm with her" as in My mom, not me...I wasn't the one visiting this guy, I didn't want to be.

 I was already embarrassed enough as it is!

They called me back into his office, and to spare you the gruesome details I had a very uncomfortable exam and then we had a long discussion with a huge encyclopedia of pictures of what "it" is. He pulled up the pictures from the MRI and we talked about the surgery, set the date and that was it.

On January 20th, I was going to get whatever this was, removed.

 He's been a surgeon for 28 years and he's seen two of "them", they are very rare. He called it a retro-rectal tumor, the ones he has removed are not cancerous but they would do a biopsy just in case. I asked, " is it a laporascopic surgery?" That's all I could hope, I mean I went through one before and I could do one again, it wasn't that bad and the recovery was fast. I could do this...

What I couldn't do, was emotionally process what the surgeon replied with, he said "unfortunately no, this is a major surgery & the recovery is going to be really hard and it might take awhile"

I got sick to my stomach and could feel my eyes filling up with tears, I was about to lose it, emotionally. Again. I've never had a major surgery, before the surgery I had in November I had never had stitches or any type of incision, never stayed at a hospital over night and the only time I was "put under" was when they removed my wisdom teeth. 

What was he saying, one week, two weeks out of work?

One month, at least. He asked what I did for work, I'm a medical receptionist so I sit most of the day. So it looks like a month off of work or more because it's going to be hard to sit for awhile.

It's a four hour surgery, I don't really know all the details but they have to remove part of the coccyx (tailbone) to get to the mass, and somehow they'll remove the mass after that, I don't care to know how until after they do it. Just like my last surgery, I've been letting my thoughts consume me, and control my mindset towards this surgery. My anxiety gets the best of me & unfortunately I've been so negative about this. I'm having a hard time the closer it gets but reality is, it's going to happen & there's nothing I can do about it. I'll be hospitalized for two days and then I'll get to go home, somehow find a position on the couch that I'm comfortable with, and watch Netflix. Probably finish the "Parenthood" series which has consumed my "after-work" life the past week, it's a good one. 

(Leave some of your favorite series/movies in the comments section please!)

Doesn't sound that bad right? Well I'm a busy body, I can't just sit in front of the tv for hours unless I've had a long week of work or I can't stop watching a series on Netflix... I can only be lazy for a short amount of time, it just takes a toll on me physically & emotionally. The great thing about all of this though, is the timing.

Sure I would love to not have to deal with this during our first year of marriage, or when we had a bunch of money in savings. Whatever this is actually might be why I haven't gotten pregnant. It's Winter time, the best time to stay inside and snuggle up. It's not a "scary" surgery, of course I'm terrified but it's not life threatening, and it could be worse. That's what I keep telling myself, "it could be worse.." There are a million of people going through something a lot harder and more challenging than this, but in my life this is my struggle right now. 

So yeah, when I say the first year is the hardest, it's because of the timing & the string of events we've already been through.

The truth is I've really gotten to know a deeper side of my husband.

He is truly the most caring person, he loves me so much & he's always there for me.

He will be spending nights with me when I'm in the hospital, holding my hand through my whole recovery, and being there every step just like he always has. I'm sure that the stress on him is hard, but he doesn't show it, all he wants is for me to not stress, stay calm and get through it.

I have fallen more in love with him over the course of the last few months with everything we've been going through, the "what could it be" and "what if it's this" hour long conversations laying next to each other at bedtime. He has held me when I've become emotionally exhausted and can't stop crying. I don't want to go through with this surgery, I'm terrified, but with that man in my life and the support of my friends & family I have felt like there isn't anything I couldn't do. In a time where he could have walked away from me, left me to all my medical bills and let me go through this alone- he's gotten stronger and made me stronger just by being an example. We choose who we marry but we can't choose what we go through in a marriage, we can't choose what we want to deal with and we can't stop something like this from happening, but we do decide how we react to it, and how we let it affect us. 

Why am I blogging about this, and why is it so last minute? Truth is, I'm the last person to post my medical problems on Facebook, ask for sympathy or post about problems. One of the reasons I blog is because it helps me express feelings, and sometimes it helps me write it out and read the words that I haven't been able to say to myself. Sometimes blogging is a way for me to preach something I need to practice. That's why I'm doing it, oh and...this is why you haven't heard from me or won't hear from me for a little bit. I haven't had a lot to blog about, and I might find something to blog about during recovery but I can't promise anything. 

Wish me luck! I go in tomorrow, or should I say they go in tomorrow?

Ugh.

If you've ever been hospitalized or had surgery on your tailbone, or you're one of the rare cases of these tumors, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Advice, bible verses, words of encouragement, inspirational quotes, 

I want it all from you guys :)

Thank you!