Taking on a new role

When I started dating John, I knew he had a little girl. In fact our first three dates was while she was visiting him, and I fell in love with her before I did him. She loved me too, and then when she started to realize how often we were together she kinda got scared and I started to feel her getting jealous. It broke my heart because that was no where near my intention, I didn't want her to think I was taking her Dad away because I wasn't. I tried to explain to her several times that she just had more people in her life that loved her, but realized it was best for her just to talk to her Dad and spend time with him when she could. She came out to visit us in June last year, two months before we got married. That's when it really hit me, this new role, not just John's wife but the step-mom of his daughter. I wrote about it a long time ago and it's been in my drafts but with Mother's day coming up, and her coming out next month, I figured I'd share. I don't know how many of you are step-moms, but it really is the hardest thing I've ever done, there's this line you can't cross with the time you spend with her Dad, you don't want to step on the Mom's toes and you never want to make that child feel like she isn't the most important person in the world. Yet, we are all human, we are selfish in some-way but as much as I hate it, there are times that I just come second to John, but i'm not second to his job, or his friends, or a hobbie he loves, i'm second to his own flesh & blood. It's taken me a while to realize this, and I don't think I'll actually know how it really feels until I become a parent, all I know is that my husband is an amazing father, he doesn't get to see her as much as he would like to. If being second means that his daughter will grow up knowing how much she is loved, then it's worth it right? So here we go, this is what I wrote when she visited last time, it's just an idea of what my life was like the first time I took the role of a step-mom. It was a roller-coaster of highs & lows, and a hard part of John & I's relationship, but we got through it just like we get through everything else.  Also, for her protection, names have been changed, so we'll call her Ana.


June 2014
I've been John's fiance for almost 9 months & pretty soon I'll be John's wife & Ana's step mom. We don't get her very much, but right now we have her for two weeks and I've already gotten the idea of being a step-mom. This is what our days are like so far I wake up in the morning and get ready for work, John is usually gone for work by now. I wake Ana up, some mornings are easier than others. She crawls out of bed with her hair all messy in the braid I put in her hair the night before, so sleepy but so cute, and now she's ready to go to Grandma's.  No breakfast, no getting ready, she does that all when she gets there..  She's usually half awake on our way there. She puts on her shoes, without socks because we're rushing out the door, I give her one of my jackets to stay warm because she only packed warm clothes.  There she stands with her night gown, velcro sneakers, and a jacket that's almost as long as her night gown with the sleeves hanging off of her hands.  I grab her bag, and we're off to Grandma's.
Then I go to work.... After I get off work I pick her up, sometimes she's outside waiting for me, sometimes she runs out with open arms..other times I just go inside to find her hanging out with her nephews or drawing more pictures. She shows me all the pictures she drew that day & hands me the little letters she wrote for me- there she goes again, pulling on my heart strings. We get ready to head home and she wants to go to my parents house for a little bit, and while talking about dinner I realize I shouldn't have even brought it up, she doesn't want what I'm cooking but I just tell her to wait & talk to her Dad about it. We leave my parents & go home, it's now time for her bath. I'm trying to make dinner while she's yelling at me from the bathroom "I want it warmer" " I want the water higher" "The water is too high" "Where are my washcloths"  I'm running back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom to make sure her water is warm enough, the level is high enough, and she has her wash cloths. While trying not to burn dinner, or over boil the rice. Every time I leave the bathroom to go check on the food, she calls me back in. Bless her heart Her Dad walks in the door, and I realize I didn't greet him with a hug & kiss this time I realize I would love a kiss, but I'd rather have help first I also became aware of the fact that I can't do this alone, not now, not ever My patience is gone, and my stress has reached an ultimate high. I said a silent prayer that went something like this " God please give me the patience that I need, and bless those single mothers who do this all by themselves every single day" That night the chicken was dry, the rice was soup, and the veggies were microwaved. I was mad at myself, I don't cook like that, it wasn't good enough. She got out of the bath, I braided her hair, turned on a movie & I laid with her that night until she fell asleep. I looked at her while she was laying on my shoulder and I realized those special moments with her was more important than cooking a good dinner, it was worth it. ---less than a week goes by--- It's only been a few days, they've been stressful and yet, rewarding. I've gained more patience than I've ever had. I knew my fiance was teaching me patience, but I didn't know his daughter would teach me more. I lay in bed at night wondering if I did good enough that day, I felt like our schedule was all mixed up & I try and think of ways I could do better for tomorrow.  Dinner was cooked at 9pm, we never eat dinner that late. Bed time hasn't been consistent, and I'm lucky to be in bed by 11pm We're normally asleep by 9:30pm I miss my fiance but I love these moments with my step-daughter, and I know my husband is doing everything he can in the amount of time he has. He's laying out the red carpet for her, just like she deserves. I need a schedule, and a little more organization this week. I'm praying for patience, praying for more time to spend with my fiance', and I'm praying for acceptance in Ana's life, and a feeling of acceptance in my own.  I am now realizing a small part of  what Mothers go through on a daily basis. But they make it, and so will I,  and every time Ana draws me a picture or tells me she loves me  It's all worth it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For more blog posts on my role as a step-mom or the posts from when she was visiting click here.