When Love Is Hard
by Lisa Larson
We
married young. Too young. I was 4 days past my 16th birthday, and he was 18.
People told us it wouldn’t last. We laughed,
confident that our love would prove them wrong. But the joke was on us. When
two flawed people come together and try to make a life, it’s never an easy
feat.
Truth
is, love is hard. Harder than we ever imagined it could be.
There
have been days when our words have cut each other to the core. Days when the
hurt and pain seemed larger than any abyss we could get through. And days when
the sparks of love have felt like nothing more than a pile of dry grass.
But,
I love how Tim Keller puts it…If
only we had known these words in the beginning:
“You
never marry the right person. As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of
couples. I’ve heard them say over
and over, “Love shouldn’t be
this hard, it should come naturally.”
In response I always say something like: “Why
believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It
shouldn’t be so hard to hit a
fastball’? Would someone who
wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It
shouldn’t be hard to create
believable characters and compelling narrative’?”
Duke University Ethics
professor Stanley Hauerwas has famously made this point:
“Destructive to
marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are
primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become
"whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right
for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right
person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails
to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.
We never know
whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person,
just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the
enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered
it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the
stranger to whom you find yourself married.”
“Hauerwas gives
us the first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage, namely,
that marriage profoundly changes us. But there is another reason. Any two
people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other
things means to be self-centered. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should
neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in
love ... ?” That is why a good
marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess.
Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write
great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be
easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is
profoundly wrong within our human nature? Marriage — more than
anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful
and hard.”
Life perpetually compels us forward,
and with each new experience, our souls begin to take shape and we rediscover
who we are. We shift, transform and are made over, and this places us in an
interesting paradox of discovering what love really looks like as the years go
by.
Marriage
is like a fire —when the flames die down, you have two choices- let it fall to ash, or spend
the rest of your life tending it.
So as
I sit tonight, listening to the storm brew outside, my love is deepened for the
man who has weathered the storms of life with me for the last 15 years. Yes, we’ve had our share of hard times, and
more will come. But we’ve also learned how to make
the best of times…times that we would have
never experienced alone — times that have brought more
joy and happiness into our lives than we ever imagined could be possible.
*******************
When I
look back on how little I knew going into marriage, and what my desires are for
my own daughter when she gets married someday — this is what I want her to know, this
is what I will tell her…
20 TIPS FOR MARRIAGE
{in no particular order}
{Obviously marriage is not a
one-size-fits-all. Every experience is different
as we each vary in personalities, life
experiences, and beliefs,
but these are just a few things we’ve learned along
the way …}
1. Have
a good sense of humor. In every area of life. Whether it’s learning how to live
together, or how to navigate the bedroom — a good sense of humor will make all
the difference.
2. A
great marriage is made up of two good forgivers. {because it’s also made up of two
terribly flawed human beings.}
3. Talk
about your dreams together, and talk about them often. So many people stumble
through the motions day-after-day, but life is too short NOT to live it. So
make dreams, set goals, and work towards them together.
4. Encourage
his dreams. You are his biggest cheerleader, and whether he knows it or
not, he will need your support backing him more than anything.
5. Never
stop dating each other. People change over the years, and making time to
fall in love all over again, is vital.
6. Don’t give up. Even on the hard
days. When
the flames of love are low and everything in you wants to pull away from him… don’t. Pull into him.
Hold onto his hand, not onto your anger and frustration.
7.
The sooner you ditch the notion that everything needs to be fair, the
happier you’ll be. Life isn't fair and
neither is marriage. Although the wish for everything to be 50/50 sounds nice,
it doesn’t work that way.
Learn to let go of the little things, and talk about the big things, but most
importantly, love each other enough to fill in the gaps.
8.
Be generous. Be a wife full of grace. The happiest couples pay more
attention to what they put in, and less attention to what they are getting
back. In the end, the giving and the getting become one and the same.
9.
Ask yourself how much fun you are to live with? Be honest. Either you
contribute to the relationship or you contaminate it.
10. Take
care of yourself….physically, emotionally,
spiritually, etc. It’s not selfish, it’s crucial. When you are
feeling your best—balanced inside and out—you are much more capable of
giving your best to those around you.
11.
Experiencing some of lives deepest pain together {as hard as it is} will
make you a stronger couple. I wouldn’t trade the most painful times in our
marriage for anything in the world, because those are the moments when our
marriage grew the deepest.
12. Be
grateful for the husband you have. Accept him as he is, not for what you
want him to be.
13. Kiss
him in front of your children. Let them see your love and tenderness for
each other. They will learn how to love others from the experiences they had
while growing up.
14. Smile
at your husband. Your children need to know you don’t just love him, but also
genuinely like him.
15. It’s okay to fight and
disagree. But
do it respectfully. We all have opinions and beliefs that matter to us. I
even think it’s important that our
children see us disagree {about certain topics} so they know that it’s okay for two people to
fight, but also show that it doesn’t change our love for each other.
16. Make
peace with your differences. He will undoubtedly like things you don’t and vice-versa, but that’s okay. It’s our differences that push
us out of our comfort zone and help us to become more flexible, tolerant, and well rounded people.
17.
Find your worth and security in God. Don’t look to your husband to meet all of
your needs. That’s an unfair/unrealistic
expectation to put on him.
18.
Speak well of your husband in front of others. He deserves your respect,
even if you are angry with him — that
is between the two of you and no one else. {And if you truly are having
problems, seek professional help together — don’t go gossiping about him and all of
his issues to your girlfriends.}
19.
True romance is NOT found in novels or fairytales…the deepest kind is
found in doing the dishes together when you’re both exhausted. It’s finding each
other’s feet under the
covers late at night, even when you’re in a fight. It’s having someone by
your side who loves you enough to hold your hair back while you throw up. And,
it’s growing old with
someone who has seen you in your darkest moments, but chooses to love you
still.
20.
Marriage is a huge commitment and an even greater sacrifice. But it’s also the best and
most wildly-rewarding adventure you will ever embark on with your best friend!
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Those are some much needed tips,
I know as a future newly-wed I'll be glad to have these to go back & read.
Thanks Lisa
