You're not getting old

My fiancé actually inspired me to write this post, he's the brains behind it.

I told him one night how I've been feeling old lately & after I said that he said

"you're not getting old, you're growing up"

 I realized there's that big difference that I didn't really notice until now. I think of growing up as going from 10-16 and Aunt Kathy says "oh you're growing up so fast!" I thought I was done growing up, I thought now I'm growing old or " getting old." 

Growing up makes you realize things you never really noticed before. 

Understanding that life isn't easy, figuring out what means more to you and what you really want.

Knowing that nothing lasts forever, and being able to embrace any change on the way. Whether it's gaining someone new in your life, or losing someone you love. Realizing you're not alone in the trials you face & finding out who your real friends are. Thinking that your whole life you knew "everything" and suddenly finding out you know nothing at all.

As I get older I feel that my life only gets harder, I've been trying to figure out why this is. After all, I'm blessed to be marrying an amazing guy, and I'm surrounded by love from him & my own family.
Why do I feel this way?
When I was younger I was....well...I'll just say it
I was spoiled (some people would argue that I still am)
But growing up spoiled made me very resistant to any type of change in my life
I hate to admit that but it's true.
I like plans, I'm a planner
I like routines
I hate when people flake or lack communication
I fear the unknown
I fear the "change" itself before realizing the reason for the change
I worry I won't transition to the new change well

As I get older I face change every single day, especially when a kid/ step-kid is involved
I now have to expect & plan for change in my life

I've been having a hard time finding joy in the things I used to do. I don't like to party anymore, in fact if you call me at 10:30pm to come drink I'm probably asleep or already in my pj's.
 I really have no interest in drinking more than one drink every now & then. One drink will give me a good buzz, two drinks I'm tired, three? Oh where's Jess? She's in bed...
 I can't sit through a Rated R movie and feel good about why I'm watching it, and I hate listening to rap music or music that has no depth or emotion behind the lyrics. "Booty booty rocking everywhere" and "shots" were great songs to dance to on the dance floor of a club when I was 21, drunk and not knowing or understanding anything I was doing.
Embarrassing to admit, but true
I feel like an old grandma saying "Turn down that music!"
I've had my years of carelessness, stupidity and blindness.
I've partied, I've drank and I've dated all the wrong men.
I hung out with friends who were the worst influences, and cared nothing about me as a person
I've had many late nights, and way too many hangovers.
So when I actually sit down and think about why I feel like I'm getting old, and I create a list of all the things I don't enjoy anymore....I realize I'm just growing up.
Those things I missed, are a memory, a thing of the past and they made me a completely different person.
I'm not that person anymore, I'm 26 years old
I'm a soon to be wife and a step-mom.
I read Mom/Wife blogs all day- every day
My weekends are dedicated to my fiance, his daughter, remodeling, cleaning, decoration and/ or organizing.
If I wouldn't have grown up, I would have never started dating John, I would have never known what it was like to be treated right, and I wouldn't even be thinking about kids and a marriage.
This is me, today in the present.
I'm grown up
Not old
My life just started, the best is yet to come!

You're gonna miss this

I feel like the older I get, the more I appreciate, and pay attention to things
like the smell after it rains
the lyrics to the music I listen to (probably why I stopped listening to rap)
the length of time we get to experience warm weather in Utah
the story-line of a movie
the taste of my favorite meals
the time I spend with loved ones
 
The other day I was driving down the road and this song came on.




 I'm a pretty emotional person as it is anyway, but I bawled my eyes out. Why?
Who knows. At one point, I pictured my Dad telling me not to rush my life, reminding me that I'm still a little girl, and keeping me a daddy's girl for as long as he could.
I rushed growing up
I rushed everything.
I rushed getting into a relationship, so much, that I got into the wrong one
I rushed getting a job, because I couldn't wait to work
I rushed buying a house, because I couldn't find a place to rent, and I had a good job
If there was one thing I wish I could do-over in my life, it would be taking my time in life and enjoying every little thing. Appreciating the little things, like I do now. 
If there was anything I could tell my past self, little cousins, my nieces or even my future kids

SLOW DOWN

Experience High School, be a part of clubs and sports, go to all your dances and DATE.

You don't need a boyfriend / girlfriend

The sooner you get a job, the more responsibility you have so wait until you really have to get one

Spend time with your parents, you'll regret it when you're in your twenties

Save your money!

Don't worry about popularity, just be kind to everyone

Befriend the "geeks" and the "outsiders"

Volunteer in your community

Apply to college
Travel! 

Don't let anyone stop you from living your life
because one day.... you're gonna miss this

Even though I didn't experience high school the way I should have, I experienced a lot in just the first part of my twenties- and for that, I'm grateful.
I tried rushing a lot but God decided it wasn't my time. The truth is, what he had waiting for me was even better than I could have ever imagined. So when you feel that all your friends are experiencing relationships, marriage, kids, new homes, moving away...
Just remember, you can't compare your beginning to someone else's middle.
Just live your life, it will all fall into place at the right time, with the right person and it will be ten times better than you thought.

 To live is the rarest thing in the world. 
Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde