Do what you love

  "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

I'm here to tell you how true that is, and tell you my story because you might be in the same place in your life. For those of you who know me, I've been in retail about 8-10 years of my "working" life, mostly fashion retail. I've worked at Maurices, and the Buckle and I even managed for the Buckle for a little less than a year. Was it my calling? Honestly, I thought it was, but when I started managing I realized really quick that it wasn't, but being in retail was. It's hard to go through your life not knowing your calling, and maybe I still don't actually know it, but I do know one thing. 

A positive marriage: Challenge

I have been in a blogging rut lately
I haven't had anything I really wanted to blog about, nor have I had inspiration hit me like it normally does. Until the other day...
My mind wondered off  and all of a sudden I was inspired to write about something.
When I was planning a wedding I heard a lot of things about marriage
"Marriage is fun"
"Marriage is hard"
"Marriage is rewarding"
"Married life is awesome"
but no one really told me that I'd be experiencing feelings I've already felt.
If you're married, you'll know exactly what I mean and if you're not married, I'm about to give you a small insight as to what it's like.
You experience so many feelings, and sometimes you experience them all in the same day.
So what does being married feel like?

Marriage is like opening a present on Christmas Day
It's a cup of hot chocolate when it's freezing outside
It's learning how to ride your bike without training wheels
It's finding out Santa Claus isn't real
It's falling down and scraping your knee
It's pouring a box of cereal, and then realizing you're out of milk
It's having a good hair day
It's getting a raise at work
It's buying a new outfit
It's getting asked out by your crush in high school
It's finding out you failed a test you've been studying really hard for
It's graduating from high school & wondering what to do with your life
It's spending more money than you actually have
It's finding the last shirt on the sale rack, in your size
It's sleeping in on a rainy morning
It's finding money under your pillow from the tooth fairy
It's hearing your friends talk about you behind your back
It's having a rock in your shoe while trying to hike up a mountain
It's getting a bee sting
It's jumping off the high dive when you're afraid of heights
It's coming to a fork in the road and not knowing which path to take
It's perfecting your Grandma's recipe after so many failed attempts
It's taking a hot bath after a really hard day
It's burning your tongue on a hot chocolate you've been craving all day
It's getting blamed for something you didn't do
It's ripping a band-aid off a wound
It's feeling the warmth of sun on your face
It's slipping on ice
It's sitting next to a nice warm fire on a cold snowy day
and sometimes, there are feelings I can't even put into words.

The feelings of marriage, are a lot like the feelings we get in our day to day life
Except in a marriage, you're experiencing those feelings with someone else and a lot of times your feelings are completely opposite from your partner, and you don't see eye to eye.
In life you can choose to wake up, choose to have a positive day, and choose to love others.
It's the same in a marriage. I was told this story once about fights in a marriage, to look at them as rocks in your shoe; try hiking a mountain (or enjoy the journey) with those rocks in your shoe. Your feet are going to hurt, you're going to be angry and you won't enjoy everything there is to enjoy, your experience will be negative and you'll focus more on the destination than the actual journey. You can choose to try and hike a mountain with rocks in your shoe, or you can forgive & forget and hike the mountain without any rocks in your shoe, together. You can choose to give up, or you can choose to fight. You can choose happiness over hostility, humility over pride, love over hate, and you can choose to give more than you take, you can choose to praise your spouse for the things you love about them, instead of nag your spouse for the things you don't like.

If someone would have told me that marriage was a mindset, I'd know how hard it really is.
It's hard to stay positive when everything has fallen apart, it's hard to trust someone when they've hurt you, it's hard to love someone who could break your heart at any minute, but it's all in your mindset.
If you're standing on a bridge waiting for it to break, you'll miss out on the view. If you're so worried about the destination, you'll miss out on the journey. You can't be too negative, or you'll constantly look for things that are wrong and make that your focal point, and you can't be too positive or you'll overlook the opportunity to learn from the bumps in the road.
A lot easier said than done though right?
I'm challenging myself to be more positive in my marriage. I'll work on forgetting the thing that annoyed or upset me yesterday, and find something I love about him today. I will work on having more positive feelings than negative, and learn to understand our differences.

Will you take this challenge with me?
 Everyone has something they could do better, 
what do you want to challenge yourself to be better at?

A letter to me, before I started dating you

Last night I was looking through an old box, doing some organizing and I found a notebook.

This notebook was my journal, and I started writing in it when I moved back to my parents in 2013.

The time I felt I had hit rock bottom....

Remember that story? If not, it's right here.

Anyway, I started reading through it and I wrote from January-April 2013

I started dating John in July.
I was going through a lot at the time, but most of all I was giving up on finding the right guy & I thought for sure he wasn't in this town. I was depressed and experiencing a lot of doubt within myself. Everyone gets to that point in their life where they feel like they are doing nothing and those negative thoughts will suck you into a deep black hole and before you know it, you're feeling sorry for yourself. You have no idea what the future holds, just believe!

If I could write a letter to myself before I started dating my husband knowing what i know now

This would be it.....

Read that letter  & the rest of this post over at Life of Women <---click me for Life Lesson Tuesdays

The Wrong Guy

You know who I'm talking about. The guy who never treats you right, doesn't hold your hand in public, hates to be seen with you, calls you in the late hours of the night, and never gives you the time of day. Every girl dates him, some girls even settle for him, but why?

 Maybe you know this, and maybe you don't, but the person you date is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself & what you think you deserve. It's sad really, if you look at your friends who are "stuck" in horrible relationships, they're there because they believe they should be there. I've been that girl too many times, I know, and I know why it's so hard for women to escape a relationship that is in a black hole. Have you ever had a friend who starts out with nice guys and slowly turns to dating the wrong guys because of heart break and loss of self worth, or maybe the one who starts with all the wrong guys and then starts dating the nice ones? Every woman is in the exact relationship she wants to be in. Don't believe me? Think of a relationship where the couple is always constantly hurting, fighting, feeling like crap and getting taken advantage of but yet they're still together. You don't love yourself as much as everyone else around you does, you don't believe in yourself, and worst of all you think you actually deserve it, so you stay. It might be hard to hear, but it's true, I've been that girl, but I'm here to tell you IT GETS BETTER, I promise!

 I used to wonder why I was always heart broken, or put in situations where I was with the wrong guy, or questioned why I fell so hard so fast. I was young, my heart was easy, it was open, unguarded and ready to let anything bruise, scar or wound it. I put my heart through a lot, I didn't love myself and I let myself fall for men that didn't love me. As you grow up, you find yourself, you figure out what you deserve & you don't let people treat you different, you watch all the nice guys go, get married & find the right girl, you watch friendships disappear because you're finally standing up for yourself.

Nothing happens by chance, only by change, so make a change if you're not happy & quit dating the wrong guys. How do you know he's the wrong guy?

That's the thing about wrong guys, they don't wear name tags like the one above, there isn't a state they all live, there isn't one certain place they all hang out, and they don't walk around with "wrong guy" written on their forehead. They're everywhere, and they will be the one you end up settling for if you don't start loving yourself. One day you'll wake up and find yourself in one of these relationships, and it will be the hardest thing you ever go through. Yes you'll be the best thing that wrong guy will ever have , but he won't think that nor will he treat you like that. The right guy will treat you like the best thing he's ever had, and he won't be just the right guy, he will be the game changer, the one who mends your heart, and the one who brings out the real amazing you that everyone loves. The wrong guy will win your heart instantly with his wrong guy charm & bad guy appeal and manipulate you to think you do everything wrong. The right guy will fight to win your heart & once he has it, he will fight to keep it. Falling in love with the right guy will be a love that comes natural, not one that you have to force. He will treat you like a queen & you'll finally let him stay, because you know you deserve it. He will miss you just as much as you miss him when you're away, he will say "I love you" first & it won't be just to get in your pants. He will go to the end of the world for you, and do anything to see you smile or hear your laugh. He knows what you like, listens to what you say, is there when you need him & will never leave your side. He will respect you, your family, and your friends. He's the right guy, the one you fight to keep the rest of your life, he's the one you marry. In my life, he's my husband and it took me a long time to find him, or be in a place where he could find me. By place I don't mean the small town he lived in, I mean a place within myself, a place where I loved myself, I loved God, and my family and I had finally weeded all the negative out of my life, and I wasn't going to let negative things back into my life. I had finally stood up for myself, and God answered my prayers.

 The wrong guy, whether you date one for awhile or you date many of them, can break your heart multiple times, or really as many times as you let him. Think of the wrong guy, kind of like a hornet (I know you're thinking...where is she going with this, but just wait). Unlike a bee, a hornet doesn't die after it stings its victim, it is capable of stinging again & again, and every sting is far more painful than the first. Every heartbreak is far more painful than the first, you'll continue to tell yourself you aren't good enough, or something you did was wrong, and you'll constantly ask yourself "why me?" So, how many heart breaks can your heart handle? How many heart breaks will you let happen? How many times will you date the wrong guy? Sometimes you won't even realize all that you put your heart through until after the fact, when it's too late and your heart is already an open wound. If I asked someone going into a relationship with the wrong guy "how many times are you going to let someone break your heart?"  Their answer might be "he won't break my heart, he's different" or "I won't let him break my heart" when really they should be answering "as long as I put myself in this situation and let myself get hurt, I'm going to."

It's hard to realize you're in that kind of relationship, or you're dating the wrong guy, and it's even harder to leave that relationship. Unfortunately you wont' figure that out until AFTER the heart-break. The only thing you can do to stay away from the wrong guy is to keep track of what you want in a guy, know the red flags, be cautious, guard your heart, and most of all love yourself. Know what you're worth, and know what you deserve. Once you figure that out, you won't be a target for the wrong guys, and you'll be giving the right guy a chance to find you. After all, every minute you spend with the wrong guy is a minute you're losing finding the right one.
Dating the wrong guy is completely exhausting!

You're forcing the relationship to be something it's not & trying so hard to be someone else, just stop! Don't force a relationship, your life will make room for the right guy at the right time.
It's OKAY to be single, in fact it's the best thing you can do for yourself. It's better to be with no one, than to be with the wrong one. Fall in love with yourself before you let someone fall in love with you.
I promise, it will be the best relationship you've ever had, try it and find out.
You might regret falling in love with certain men, but you will never regret falling in love with yourself.

Want to read more posts like this? Click "Life Lessons by Mrs. Kirk" on the sidebar--->

No regrets

As much as I want to post more photos of our big day

or post the new highlight video, today is something different.

Today I'm blogging about something that's a little closer to home.

It seems that lately someone around me is mourning a loss due to death of a loved one.

Even though these deaths have been sudden and unexpected, mourning someone you've lost lasts forever.

They say with time it gets easier, but the only thing that makes it easy is knowing you'll see them again one day, and each day is a day closer.

There are too many people living without the ones they love today.

Which is why I'm blogging today, because there are so many things that we just don't do enough, and sometimes it's too late. I am guilty of not doing a lot of these.

Death is hard regardless, but it can be very hard when you feel like you didn't get enough time with them, or you didn't tell them the things you wanted to. We always think we have time, or we wait for the right opportunity but sometimes it's too late. 

Here are 7 things that we could all do more often;

SAY "I love you"- Whether you're saying it to this person for the first time, or you're in a relationship. Let people know how you feel, you might get rejected but you also might regret not expressing your feelings. If you're in a relationship, say I love you every single day or more than once a day, but at LEAST say it to each other every. single. day, even on the days where they aren't being love-able.

BE KIND- Not just on the days you want to, or to the people you think deserve it. Be kind to everyone, you have no idea what kind of battles others are facing and an act of kindness, even just a smile or a "hello" can make someones day so much better. Be kind to your enemies, go out of your way to do something nice for someone who would least expect it. There's too much hate in this world, and not enough kindness, start paying it forward & make a difference. 

STAY IN TOUCH- Life changes, and people change, and you and your friends will grow apart. Keep in touch, they are in your life for a reason as you are in theirs so don't just let them go because it's not as easy to see each other anymore. Whether it's a text, or a phone call, or a Facetime/Skype date, just keep in touch. Send a hello, ask how they're doing and make time to see each other at least once/twice a year because there will come a day when they aren't there to visit anymore, and you'll regret it. 

PRIORITIZE- Life is busy, work is important, after all it's what pays for the life you live, but don't forget who you're supporting with it. One of my favorite sayings is "don't get too busy making a living, that you forget to make a life." Money is important, but family and god should always come first. Don't let your job take over your entire life to the point where you don't have time for your own family. 

Invest in the people you love, more than you invest in your bank account.

SAY "SORRY"= Another thing that shouldn't be left unsaid. Clean the cobwebs out of your closet, fix the tension between past relationships, and show love & kindness instead of hate & envy. Be there for them when they least expect it.

DON'T USE PEOPLE- We have all been there, we have been used. Maybe you're the friend who only needs someone around when it's convenient, or maybe you have those friends. Don't take anyone in your life for granted, because when you truly need them, they won't be there. Treat everyone like you would want to be treated, give back to those that have given to you, and accept people for who they are.

LOOSEN YOUR GRIP- "Loosen it, don't lose it." In your relationships, in your friendships, in the work place. Let people breathe, give them space, but also let them know you care. It is possible to love someone TOO much, don't smother people in your life. Hold on too tight, and your relationships will crush, hold on too loose & you'll lose them.

When someone you know is mourning a loss it's hard to know what to say because saying "it will be okay" is the last thing they want to hear, because at the time, it isn't okay. Being there for them is what matters though, so buy them lunch or dinner, be a shoulder to cry on, let them know you're there for them for anything.
God bless all of those who are mourning a loss at this time, my heart is heavy today after some news I received last night about an old friend and I decided it was time to do things a little different and stop worrying so much about myself, it's time to give, it's time to care, it's time to love everyone even when they aren't love-able, and it's time to let all of you know that I care.

Live every day like it's your last, and treat everyone like it's the last time you'll see them. Go out of your way and do something kind for someone today, pay for someones meal/coffee, smile at a stranger, leave a generous tip, do something for someone who can never repay you.
Life is too short to not be kind & generous, love and appreciate everyone.

Becoming Mrs. Kirk--our one month anniversary

One month ago I woke up super excited because it was the day I was going to marry Mr. Kirk.

I was going to say "I do"

I could finally call John my husband, and I was going to be his wife.

It was a stressful day and it went by WAY too fast, so how do I feel now?

Well, when I started this blog I knew I was going to keep it for awhile so I named it

Being Mrs Kirk

At the time I wasn't Mrs Kirk yet, and truth is...I'm still not Mrs. Kirk

I'm becoming Mrs. Kirk.

I've realized that just because you get married, doesn't mean you have each other forever.

You have to try, every. single. day. 

You have to give more than you take

You have to love more than you hate

You have to be each-others number one fan and his biggest supporter

You have to give each other space

It's not that we do some things right and some things wrong, but it's that we do a lot of things right, and there's a lot of things we could do better. We are human, we make mistakes, and I've always been told that marriage is made up of two very good forgivers because it's made up of two very flawed people, and that's a fact jack.

When you sit down to blog you have to remember that everything you say is being viewed by many different people, your opinions can hurt people, and there's always the risk of being too public with your life. I'm not hear to air our dirty laundry, I'm here to be real, I'm writing this post for myself, others going through the same situation, and my husband. 

To my husband, THANK YOU.

Thank you for sticking through everything with me

Thank you for never forgetting to give me a kiss goodbye in the morning

Thank you for helping me look for our dog when he ran away last week

Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on

Thank you for trying to understand why I'm upset

Thank you for loving me when I'm not love-able

Thank you for my finding my hand under the covers in the middle of the night and holding it

Thank you for helping out around the house and taking the weight off my shoulders

Thank you for making me laugh so hard my stomach hurts

but most of all, thank you for holding my hand through this journey of becoming husband & wife

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In a marriage, it's important to set goals 

Like I said above, I want to be better wife, and these 4 things are just a start;

1.  Appreciate my Husband- Of course I appreciate him, but does he know it? For example; he takes the trash out every Wed night, do I expect it, or do I appreciate it? Well, I probably don't say Thank You enough for the things he does, even if it's something he does every single day. There is always something to appreciate, I just to need to remove my blindfold. So that's goal #1,

  I want to thank my husband more, and tell him how much I appreciate the things he does for me, for us, and for other people. I want to privately appreciate him every day, and publicly appreciate him at least once a week.

2. Focus on the good- I've been reading this book and it talks about three zones. The ideal zone- when you and your mate start dating and you see all the good, and ignore the bad. The real zone- when you see the good & the bad (this is where relationships should stay), and the danger zone- where you only see the bad. Like I said above, we can always do things better. Goal #2, I want to point out more of the good things my husband does, remember the things I fell in love with and not focus on what irritates or annoys me.

3. Be Loveable- This is kind of a combination of the first two goals, if I'm pointing out the bad things then I'm constantly nagging my husband instead of appreciating him. Why would he want to love me if he doesn't feel loved? Goal #3, I want to be more supportive & compassionate in big and small ways every day.

4. Quality Time- We spend time together, whether it's watching football together or eating dinner at the table but I want to spend more "quality" time together. For instance, on days where he works later in the morning I want to get up and enjoy breakfast or coffee together instead of sleeping in. I want to go on more walks together, and I want to have date nights more often. We don't have kids yet, so we have time, but it's what we do with our "extra" time that makes the difference.

I'll end this post with the most important advice I've heard, when it comes to an argument

"You can be right, or you can be happy"

I think I'll spend more time being happy ;)

If you're not losing friends, you're not growing up

We've all been there The friends we had in high-school, we might not have anymore The friends we had in our 20's...we might not have anymore Relationships we once had, haven't carried over into our present years. So why? Just like I said in my last post, it comes with age. The older you get, the wiser you become. As you grow up you realize who your real friends really are. So why would you lose "friends"? The Obvious Reason- You're usually "younger" or quite immature when it's this reason. You're selfish, and probably insecure. You are a flake and you never show up where you're supposed to, you're completely fake to your friends, you keep people around that you don't really like because you like having "a lot" of "friends." You're never there for your friend(s), and your life is way more important than theirs. Outside relationships clash- Whether you're the boss, or the employee; or the landlord, or the tenant. Very few people are able to maintain a relationship in the workplace, or a place where there is a "higher" position present. You might not understand why you went out the night before with your boss, but you're getting trouble at work the next day. A lot of people can't split the two. One of the biggest mistakes I made as a boss was befriending my employees, I couldn't split up having respect for them as an employee, and being a friend. Never do that..you'll run into disrespect, and you'll have a really hard time being a "boss." At least I know I did... People Change- You have the friend you've known since childhood, you grew up together & she owned the "best" part of your best friend necklace, and now everything is different. The person you used to laugh with, spend every day with, and someone you called your best friend is now the most negative aspect in your life. People change, most of the time they become the person they never said they'd be. There are relationships in which the "change" is important to adapt to- because they won't be the same person forever, neither will you.  Sometimes, it's something you might need to get rid of. You let them go-  As you grow up you realize that you need certain friends, and you need to get rid of the ones causing any negativity. You "weed" out the negative ones, the toxic friends, and the ones who don't respect who you truly are. You finally get brave and stand up for yourself & say "I don't' need this anymore" and even though it's not as easy as clicking the "unfriend" button on Facebook,  everything will be okay. You will be happier without them in your life, just wait. and the last one...that you might not think would ever make someone lose a friend, but it does more often than you think. You have a huge heart- Having a huge heart can be one of the best things in the world, and it can also be the worst. You go out of your way for your friends, and you'd drop anything to be there for them. You expect more from the friends that you have, because you're willing to do that much for them. Never do "too" much for someone or get "too" attached, attachments lead to expectations and expectations lead to disappointment. Having a huge heart keeps you from having "a ton" of friends, because there's only so many people that appreciate your huge heart instead of walking all over it and using it to their advantage. After all, you forgive easily and sometimes you even say sorry for something you don't even need to say sorry for...that's something anyone can use to their advantage, especially those who never do anything wrong. Be careful.

Sadly there are more reasons than this, and it's hard to lose a friend. However, it's harder to keep a friend that hurts you, than it is to let go. "Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you"
In the end, you'll find out who your real friends are, it's not easy, and it will hurt. Just believe, that the best will be.

Sincerely, your parents

Being a step-mom has really made me think of what kind of Mother I want to be What kind of parents John & I will be How will we raise our children? What rules will we have? But most of all, what will our kids be like? Will they rebel and make life hard? Will they listen to us? Then I started to think of the child I was, the parents I have, and how I grew up. There are things I imagine my parents wish I knew All the things you probably wish your kids knew The stuff I wish my nieces, and cousins knew That's where this letter came from

Dear future children- There is a very important relationship in your life, in fact it's the most important one you'll have It's not your dog, or your cat It's not your siblings It's not your boss, or your best friend It's not your first boyfriend, or your current boyfriend It's us, your parents When I was a teenager I didn't want anything to do with my parents   I hated rules I hated discipline I wanted privileges for free They were WAY too strict (I thought) I wanted to run away I couldn't wait to turn 18 I couldn't wait to not have a curfew They're embarrassing They always treat me like a kid They didn't know what they were talking about They didn't understand
These are all the thoughts that ran through my head as a teenager When I think back on this, I realized that the hardest part of my teenage life,  really only lasted 4 years. Those 4 years could have been easy, but I was the one who made them as hard as I did I made a choice to date the wrong guy, I made a choice to pick the wrong friends, to give up my morals and values that my parents taught me, and to rebel against them. I lied I talked back I had the worst attitude I lost their trust
I went from Daddy's little girl & Mommy's angel to SATAN's child real quick Seriously. I'm sure they thought I changed over night. I want to say something to my parents, after all those years I put them through hell. One day, you'll want to say the same thing to us ----I'm sorry----
You knew what I was going through, you knew what it was like to want to party and go out with friends. You knew how I felt when everyone had privileges and I didn't and all you were doing was trying to keep me safe. I'm sorry I kept you up late at nights worrying if I was okay, or if I was hanging out with the right people, maybe you worried if I was getting into drugs/alcohol or having sex at a young age. Whatever it was, you shouldn't have had to worry about me & I'm sorry I created that stress in your life. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry I let someone treat me like crap for so long and got mad at you when you didn't want me to be with them. I'm so sorry that I didn't realize you knew me, more than I knew myself.   Future children, I know you think you have it hard, and that growing up is the worst I know you can't wait to turn 18 and move out and make your own rules Let me tell you something We don't hate you, we love you, and those rules- they aren't bars put in front of you to break, they aren't handcuffs to keep you locked up and sheltered. Those rules are made because we KNOW what it's like to be your age and we know what happens. Just like my parents knew this about me, we will know this about you, child. We will know that you hate your curfew, that you'll want to party, that you'll want to date, that you'll hate our rules. We know this. Please, don't make it hard, just follow the rules, they're only their to keep you safe.  Just listen to us, we know, and we understand more than you think We've been there too   You can choose to make it hard, or you can make the years up until you turn 18, easy Follow our rules If you don't, and you want to rebel, and you ruin the relationship you have with us I have one thing to say to you  ---Good luck---
You are ruining a relationship that is so crucial to you right now, and in the future. You don't even get it You can't even begin to understand this Think about it, what if you came home today and we said "no more curfew, here's a phone, do whatever you want, and here's some money" Where would you end up? Do you think it would be good? Do you really think you are old enough to understand the responsibilities of an adult? Nope, you're not.   Don't lie to your parents, we find out everything Thank us Be honest with us Love us Say Thank You Appreciate us We brought you into this world, and we know the struggles you'll go through but we know with our teachings and our rules, that you'll make it through alive. Just listen to us When you move out and become an adult, you'll realize how much you took advantage of your parents, because I did. If you ruin your relationship with us, you might never be able to fix it So it's up to you, these years of being a teenager can be hell, or you can follow the rules and get through it. I was lucky enough to be able to repair the relationship I messed up with my parents It hasn't been easy, I wish I would've just known all of this when I was a teenager. I wish they knew how sorry I truly am, and how much I appreciate everything they did I can't imagine not having my parents when I became an adult, when I didn't realize that I couldn't pay all these bills & I needed help, or when I lost my job and literally had nothing left. I'm telling you now,  you think you know everything and you have no idea... Trust us

You're not getting old

My fiancé actually inspired me to write this post, he's the brains behind it.

I told him one night how I've been feeling old lately & after I said that he said

"you're not getting old, you're growing up"

 I realized there's that big difference that I didn't really notice until now. I think of growing up as going from 10-16 and Aunt Kathy says "oh you're growing up so fast!" I thought I was done growing up, I thought now I'm growing old or " getting old." 

Growing up makes you realize things you never really noticed before. 

Understanding that life isn't easy, figuring out what means more to you and what you really want.

Knowing that nothing lasts forever, and being able to embrace any change on the way. Whether it's gaining someone new in your life, or losing someone you love. Realizing you're not alone in the trials you face & finding out who your real friends are. Thinking that your whole life you knew "everything" and suddenly finding out you know nothing at all.

As I get older I feel that my life only gets harder, I've been trying to figure out why this is. After all, I'm blessed to be marrying an amazing guy, and I'm surrounded by love from him & my own family.
Why do I feel this way?
When I was younger I was....well...I'll just say it
I was spoiled (some people would argue that I still am)
But growing up spoiled made me very resistant to any type of change in my life
I hate to admit that but it's true.
I like plans, I'm a planner
I like routines
I hate when people flake or lack communication
I fear the unknown
I fear the "change" itself before realizing the reason for the change
I worry I won't transition to the new change well

As I get older I face change every single day, especially when a kid/ step-kid is involved
I now have to expect & plan for change in my life

I've been having a hard time finding joy in the things I used to do. I don't like to party anymore, in fact if you call me at 10:30pm to come drink I'm probably asleep or already in my pj's.
 I really have no interest in drinking more than one drink every now & then. One drink will give me a good buzz, two drinks I'm tired, three? Oh where's Jess? She's in bed...
 I can't sit through a Rated R movie and feel good about why I'm watching it, and I hate listening to rap music or music that has no depth or emotion behind the lyrics. "Booty booty rocking everywhere" and "shots" were great songs to dance to on the dance floor of a club when I was 21, drunk and not knowing or understanding anything I was doing.
Embarrassing to admit, but true
I feel like an old grandma saying "Turn down that music!"
I've had my years of carelessness, stupidity and blindness.
I've partied, I've drank and I've dated all the wrong men.
I hung out with friends who were the worst influences, and cared nothing about me as a person
I've had many late nights, and way too many hangovers.
So when I actually sit down and think about why I feel like I'm getting old, and I create a list of all the things I don't enjoy anymore....I realize I'm just growing up.
Those things I missed, are a memory, a thing of the past and they made me a completely different person.
I'm not that person anymore, I'm 26 years old
I'm a soon to be wife and a step-mom.
I read Mom/Wife blogs all day- every day
My weekends are dedicated to my fiance, his daughter, remodeling, cleaning, decoration and/ or organizing.
If I wouldn't have grown up, I would have never started dating John, I would have never known what it was like to be treated right, and I wouldn't even be thinking about kids and a marriage.
This is me, today in the present.
I'm grown up
Not old
My life just started, the best is yet to come!

Competing with yourself

After reading this post about things women need to say to themselves daily,  I was inspired to "blog about it." I am quite the perfectionist, I was raised that way and it wasn't very noticeable when I was younger but it is now. It really only affects certain parts of my life, but it's crucial to my mood every day. I constantly push myself to be a better fiance, a better daughter and a better woman overall. I push myself to be a better employee, and I get really frustrated when I mess up. I hate being a bad friend, and I'm the type of person to go above & beyond for all those I know and come in contact with. It doesn't matter that my fiance doesn't expect anything from me, and loves me the way I am.  I expect it from myself, as his fiance. and I constantly worry about being a perfect Mom, and I haven't even had kids yet... yikes   I talked to someone about this once, and she asked me "What does your fiance expect of you?" It was a question I didn't know the answer to. Do you? What does your husband expect of you? What does your kid expect of you? What do your parents expect of you? Your employer? Your friends?...etc The next important question "Why are my own expectations way higher than anyone elses of me?"   Does anyone else have this problem? I call it a "problem" because it creates a negative mood when you feel that you haven't done something as perfect as you could have. Don't get "doing your best" confused with "doing it perfect."   As humans, we will never be perfect, and we should never expect anyone to be.  We should utilize our strengths & build on our weaknesses. Sometimes I don't see my "strengths" as a strength, I just build on strengths AND weaknesses, I try to perform my strengths better and I try to become strong in my weaknesses. What's the problem with that? I focus way too much on doing something perfect, rather than focusing on what I actually accomplished. I get mad at myself for my strengths, because I don't do it as well as someone else does. A strength doesn't necessarily mean that you do it perfect, or better than anyone else. It means you do it well. A weakness doesn't mean you CAN'T do it, it means you need to learn how, build on it, and one day that weakness can be a strength. Quit trying to be perfect! We will continue to upset ourselves if we are looking for perfection in the people we meet, and the things we do.  

    So what do we do when we're like this? Well for starters we have to realize the appreciation that others have for us without expectations,  not the expectation we hold ourselves to. Before we think that we failed, remember others' expectations of us are way lower than our own. We have to continue to tell ourselves, we are enough. It's okay to have days where we need to be lazy It's okay to not cook dinner a couple nights a week It's okay to not fold our laundry right when it comes out of the dryer It's okay to have a messy house, we're busy living in it It's okay to have a day off that we are not productive It's okay to ask people what their expectations are of us It's okay to go above & beyond in our relationships It's okay to do your best It's not okay to be mad at ourself for an accomplishment you didn't do "perfect" It's not okay to think you're not good enough It's not okay to not appreciate ourselves & the work we do It's not okay to feel like we have failed It's not okay to feel unfulfilled   Do not let yourself become a perfectionist, and don't be with someone who doesn't appreciate you.   We can always be better tomorrow, but appreciate yourself for what you did today No one is perfect, and no one is expecting you to be perfect Quit giving yourself such high expectations, no one else expects that of you. At the end of the day, you did your best- and who knows, you might have even exceeded someone's expectations of you :)   Use this picture as a background on your phone, write this message on your mirror, whatever you do-recite it to yourself every day and believe it.

   

Dear 17 year old me

If there was any message I could get out to those who are in high-school those in their very first relationship Anything I could say to myself when I was starting to get boy crushes, and have a NEED for a boyfriend and anything I could stress to younger kids, eager to be in love it would be... You're not in love Sometimes it would have been nice to be warned about what was about to happen when I was 17 and I got my first boyfriend...

Dear 17 year old me, you're obviously a selfie queen, (they were obviously invented at this time) You look real innocent in this picture...but it's all about to change You have morals & values, and you have always stood up for what you believed in You're Daddy's little girl, and you tell your Mom everything you're about to take advantage of this relationship and every other one in your life for about the next five years... You're about to go on a "date" with this new boyfriend of yours It won't be like the date you've always thought it would be You'll be tagging along with him and the other guys, trying to hold his hand... It's going to be embarrassing, and you'll feel invisible but that won't stop you You've been twitter-pated and nervous all day but guess what? You're not in love
You're in "lust" or you're just "infatuated" You don't even know what a relationship is You haven't even begun to understand what LOVE means You have butterflies, and you love the title "girlfriend" You love having a guy hold your hand in public and maybe walk you to class and give you a kiss (barf) but you have no idea...  You have gone into this relationship with morals & values, and you're letting them go for someone you hardly know. If he really loved you, he wouldn't let you give up what you know to be true. You will stand by his side through anything, because he's your first love, and you'll do anything for him You will get nothing in return You will suffer heartaches, you will become lost, and you will have no self worth when it's all over. You don't know who you are yet You are creating a new you, in this new relationship...and it's not a "good" you You are letting him create the future you. Is that what you want? You are now a puppet But you're not in love
You're in love with the idea You will give up your friends, ruin relationships in your family, and the only thing that will matter is him. He will "love" you for this, after all, you are his puppet You will spend many nights crying, thinking something you did was your fault You'll say sorry for something that you didn't do, and go crawling back to him after every fight But you're not in love
You will break up, make up, fight, and drive each other crazy You will have times you laugh, and smile, and feel like nothing could go wrong But you're not in love
You will think of your future, with him in it You will think "it's okay if I get pregnant" You will think once you turn 18, you can live together You have a part time job, and you're lucky if he even has one You'll want to be with him forever But you're not in love
People come into your life, some are lessons and some are blessings Some people marry their high school sweethearts and some learn a lot from their first relationship I do not regret my past, nor do I regret my high-school relationship but I was not in love I hope that if I ever have a little girl, I can teach her this. I can teach her not to get involved with a guy.  Wait until you're 16 and go on dates, find out what you like and dislike. Keep your morals and your values Stand up for yourself If you find a man who doesn't approve of your morals, walk away Don't give up everything to gain nothing Refuse to be treated less than you deserve Be strong Breakups are hard, but they get you over something you shouldn't be in, in the first place Don't go back to something because it's comfortable If you aren't happy, make a change The change will always start with you and it has to start today Dear 17 year old me, don't pretend you're in love You have no idea......

My idea of perfect

At twenty-six years old, I will be getting married In Utah, that's OLD, and everywhere else, it's YOUNG. For me in my life, it's perfect. First of all, you should know I didn't wait patiently. In fact, as you read in this post, I tried rushing things in my life so many times. Living in Utah, I felt like I was "behind" everyone else, that there was no one out there for me, and that all the good men were taken. My first boyfriend, my high-school "sweetheart" was a lesson, that relationship taught me more than I wanted to know, but also gave me the ability to appreciate everything after. The difference between who I am now, and who I was at 20 years old is night & day! The biggest reason I waited, was because I had to learn to love & respect myself the way I wanted to be loved and respected. "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." I heard this quote once, back in one of my relationships and I said "No i'm not, I didn't plan this, I didn't ask for this..." Why was I in it? I was settling So many times in a womans life, we feel as though we need to have a boyfriend, we need to be with someone that will love us, or at least say it. We have to be moving towards the direction of "getting married" and we just can't be alone, heaven forbid we be single and spend more time on ourselves than someone else. Blah I will admit, I wouldn't be writing all of this if I wasn't in a relationship and about to marry my true love that I feel I spent forever trying to find. If I was still single, I'd probably be bitter and cynical towards all relationships. BUT because I now see what I did wrong, I'm sharing what I know. Why was I single? Why couldn't I find the one when all my friends were marrying theirs?   Here's a few reasons I've come up with;

1. I was blind to everyone that wasn't the "Perfect Guy"-- If he was too short, had a bald spot, wore ugly shoes, had weird hair...etc. The list goes on. I was looking for the perfect guy. Guess what? There isn't a perfect guy, you won't find one. Is John perfect? No. But he's perfect for me, and thats all that matters.

2. I dated men who were unavailable-- I dated guys who just were not wanting a relationship, they didn't care to be in one, and I thought I'd be different. I thought I'd be a game changer. The longer you are with a man that doesn't want a relationship, the more you will get down on yourself and wonder why they don't want to be with you. It's not you, they already told you they didn't want a relationship. LISTEN TO THEM and don't waste your time.

3. I was experiencing "relationship insanity"-- The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result. I was dating the wrong guys, I wasn't respecting myself, and I didn't change anything and expected to find the one. I just blamed the men for it, I thought "it's not me." My friends would always wonder why I was dating a certain person, or why I kept letting someone treat me the way I did.

4. I wasn't letting my actions, reflect what I deserved- I knew what I deserved, I knew what I had been through, and I knew what I wanted. Did I reflect that through my actions? Definetely not. The way I reflected myself was disrespectful, and made it look like I didn't love myself.

I could go on...and on, but I'll stop and tell you what I was actually waiting for. I waited for a man that I could grow old with, who would love me for me, and only bring out the best. A man who would forgive easily, love passionately, and never give up on us. A relationship where I was respected and loved, cared for, and put first. I was treated the way I deserved to be treated, and I was able to give him the best parts of me. A man who didn't care about where I had been and what I have done, but what we were going to accomplish together. A man who respected and loved his Mother, and his family. Who believed in God, and loved children. Who could make me laugh when I was about to cry, and who I could truly believe at the end of the day, was the one for me. That's John.   Through all the heartache, the never-ending maze of dating, and the feelings of not being good enough I found someone better than the "perfect guy." It was NOT in my plans to move back to Vernal, and I didn't know why I was back.  No matter what religion I was a part of growing up, I always prayed and asked God to help me find the one, I always prayed for him, wherever he was. For awhile, I didn't think God was listening...  I found this quote on Pinterest after John & I started dating and I realized it wasn't my timing, it was someone elses, and it always will be.

 

You're gonna miss this

I feel like the older I get, the more I appreciate, and pay attention to things
like the smell after it rains
the lyrics to the music I listen to (probably why I stopped listening to rap)
the length of time we get to experience warm weather in Utah
the story-line of a movie
the taste of my favorite meals
the time I spend with loved ones
 
The other day I was driving down the road and this song came on.




 I'm a pretty emotional person as it is anyway, but I bawled my eyes out. Why?
Who knows. At one point, I pictured my Dad telling me not to rush my life, reminding me that I'm still a little girl, and keeping me a daddy's girl for as long as he could.
I rushed growing up
I rushed everything.
I rushed getting into a relationship, so much, that I got into the wrong one
I rushed getting a job, because I couldn't wait to work
I rushed buying a house, because I couldn't find a place to rent, and I had a good job
If there was one thing I wish I could do-over in my life, it would be taking my time in life and enjoying every little thing. Appreciating the little things, like I do now. 
If there was anything I could tell my past self, little cousins, my nieces or even my future kids

SLOW DOWN

Experience High School, be a part of clubs and sports, go to all your dances and DATE.

You don't need a boyfriend / girlfriend

The sooner you get a job, the more responsibility you have so wait until you really have to get one

Spend time with your parents, you'll regret it when you're in your twenties

Save your money!

Don't worry about popularity, just be kind to everyone

Befriend the "geeks" and the "outsiders"

Volunteer in your community

Apply to college
Travel! 

Don't let anyone stop you from living your life
because one day.... you're gonna miss this

Even though I didn't experience high school the way I should have, I experienced a lot in just the first part of my twenties- and for that, I'm grateful.
I tried rushing a lot but God decided it wasn't my time. The truth is, what he had waiting for me was even better than I could have ever imagined. So when you feel that all your friends are experiencing relationships, marriage, kids, new homes, moving away...
Just remember, you can't compare your beginning to someone else's middle.
Just live your life, it will all fall into place at the right time, with the right person and it will be ten times better than you thought.

 To live is the rarest thing in the world. 
Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde