Speaking love languages

Recently I came across this article

10 Habits of Couples in Strong & Healthy Relationships

and even though every single one of these are very important, I wanted to zoom-in on a certain one.

That habit is....

LOVE LANGUAGES

If you haven't read the book by Gary Chapman you're probably wondering what a love language is, or maybe you've read about it but you aren't really sure how to use it in your home. Maybe you know your partners language but they don't know yours so you're constantly trying to remind yourself that you're loved, but forgetting to show your partner love in a way that they want to receive it.

Before a marriage we go above & beyond and do whatever we can to prove our love to that person, but after marriage we get into our daily habits and think that as long as we say "I love you," sleep in the same bed at night, and stay intimate that everything is okay. It's not. Whatever you did to get your partner, you should continue to do to keep them.

Why are they so important? Because no one is the same person. No one has the same needs when it comes to a relationship, but everyone needs to be loved. Not everyone knows what that they are loved by a simple "I love you." Yet for some, that might be all they need...

I cannot stress enough how important this is in a relationship/marriage.

LEARN YOURS & YOUR PARNTERS NOW!

Seriously, read the book, or take this quiz

If your partner doesn't have time to take the quiz because they're too busy at work or they just don't have "time" schedule a date night to take this quiz over a glass of wine or maybe a cup of hot cocoa snuggled up on the couch. Then, talk about it, make sure that's what you each like, and set attainable goals together. You'll want to know what love language you each have because I'm about to go into detail. Let's talk about each language, what they mean, and what to avoid. I'll even throw in some scenarios as to how we can do this in our relationships by using stuff I've found online as well as a few we've used in our own marriage.

Words of Affirmation- Words that you use to affirm other people.

Leaving love notes, cards, spoken words, compliments, say thank you & show appreciation

AVOID: Criticism, insults, harsh words even if you're "just kidding"

EXAMPLES:

• When you leave for work in the morning; use a dry-erase marker to write a message on the bathroom mirror because you know that your partner will see it when he/she wakes up. 
• If your partner has this love language and takes a cooler or a purse to work everyday, throw in a little note that says something like "hey babe hope you have an amazing day, love you!" Finding those notes as a surprise in the middle of the day is the best! If you're hiding it in their purse, put in their wallet or tape it to their key where you know they'll see it.
• Maybe you made dinner but your spouse wasn't home for it & he won't be home until it's late. Make them a plate, put it in the fridge with a note on top that says "missed you dinner, hope you had a good day can't wait to cuddle with you later."
• Let's say you don't have time for love notes, but everyone has time for compliments! "I like your hair like that", "Oooh you look hot today!", "You are so beautiful", "I am the luckiest guy/woman ever!"
• CARDS, if you want to make a homemade card & you have time- go for it. ORRR you can just put more time into what you say in the next card you give your spouse. Put your feelings into that card, write a message/note- don't just pick out a card that sounds good and sign your name, make that card different from any other card you give to anyone else.

Quality Time-giving your undivided attention to your spouse

One-on-one communication, no distractions, no cell-phones, just you & your spouse

AVOID: Too much time away from each other, spending too much time with other people, getting out your cell-phone while spending time with them.

EXAMPLES:

• Spouse comes home from work, you have made dinner and you get ready to eat together at the table. Eat together without the cell-phones, and turn the TV off to get rid of any background distraction. Ask them about their day, and listen.
• You really need to go grocery shopping but your spouse isn't home, wait until you can go together and spend that time with each other. 
• When the weather is warm, go on walks together while talking about your day. 
• When your spouse has something to talk to you about; turn the TV off, and put your cell-phone aside. It's there time, give it to them.
• Give them your un-divided attention, life has distractions I understand that but make sure your spouse doesn't feel like you are always distracted. Be part of the conversation, say something and communicate with your partner.

Receiving Gifts- for some people, showing love is as easy as giving a gift.

Flowers, gifts from the heart, jewelry, their favorite candy bar, never forget special occasions

AVOID: last minute shopping for Christmas, materialism, forgetting special events

EXAMPLES:

• During Christmas, Birthdays or Anniversaries have a one-on-one gift giving time. 
• Your spouse works hard, buy them a gift certificate to get a massage
• Send, or bring home flowers "just because"
• Anytime you go to the store pick something up that you know your spouse would like; their favorite candy, favorite drink, or a new appliance/tool they've been wanting.

Acts of Service- Because when your spouse loads the dishwasher- it's a turn on.

Household chores, being helpful, exchanging chores, taking the weight off their shoulders

AVOID: ignoring what needs to be done, over-committing, breaking your promises

EXAMPLES

• If you know your spouse is making dinner that night send a text while they're at work and say "What can I do to help for dinner tonight?"
• Your spouse makes dinner and there's a lot of dishes, say to them "thanks for dinner, I'll clean up the kitchen."
• Help them cook dinner, ask them where you can help or what you can do.
• You know what chore they hate when cleaning the house, do it for them. 
• Start their car/truck for them while they're getting ready for work during the cold weather
• If you have a pet that they get up to let outside every morning, let them sleep in and take the pet out. If you have kids, wake up with the kids and let your partner sleep in.
• If you notice you're out of something at home send your spouse a text saying "I noticed we're out of this, I'll go pick it up after work." 

Physical Touch- Holding hands has never felt so good

Sitting next to each other, holding hands, hugs, mostly non-verbal

AVOID: sitting on the other side of the couch, threats, neglect

EXAMPLES

• Give your spouse a hug before they leave in the morning, when you see them next, and right before they go to sleep
• Pull them in close while watching a movie
• Hold their hand while driving in the car
• Hug them from behind while they're cooking dinner
• Touch their face when you kiss them
• Sit/stand next to them when you're around others
• Hold hands in public
• Grab their hand in bed in the middle of the night or when you wake up in the morning

We are coming up on a New Year, if this is a weakness in your relationship make it one of your resolutions to pay more attention to how you show your partner you love them by using THEIR love language, NOT yours. If you're starting to work on this and you notice them speaking your love language make it apparent and say something like "I really appreciated your words of affirmation this morning, thank you." Acknowledge them for using it correctly, don't criticize the way they used it. They might do that chore wrong, but they did it. They might of used a paper towel/napkin to write a love note and scribbled it in a rush with horrible grammar- but they wrote it. They might have bought you the wrong size of that shirt you've been wanting, but they bought it.  They're trying and so are you, give them credit, no one wants to feel like they aren't doing it right.

This is something I know that me & John could be better at, we each have two languages and we share one of them. I know we could both be better at putting our cell-phones away and spending more one-on-one time with each other, and I know that no matter how bad of a mood I'm in that I should accept it when he tries to comfort me instead of turning into a "wall."
One of my goals is to make a list of things that I could do better to speak John's love language and work on them, as well as appreciating when he uses mine.

How do you use the love languages in your marriage, what works for you & your spouse?
Do you think love languages are more important in the beginning of the marriage, or later on?
Share your thoughts & success stories in the comment section, I'd love to read them!