The bad wife // expectation vs reality

Ever since I got engaged I wondered what kind of wife would I be, and at the end of everyday I wonder if I could do better. I recently came across this quiz that popped up on my Facebook newsfeed called "What kind of wife are you?" I was bored at home and thought, what the heck.

You know those stupid quizzes that have random multiple choice questions like

How do you like your eggs?

What makes you cry? 

What kind of movies do you like?

What would you do if...?

I laughed as I was answering some of these questions, and thought to myself "how is this quiz going to tell me what kind of wife I am?" I ended the quiz and got the result: I am a Caring Wife.

Of course, I'm a caring person, I have a big heart, but I can also be selfish, impatient, lazy & a lot of times I don't sensor the things that I say. I wondered what other answers this quiz could give someone. If I answered all the questions wrong, would it really tell me if I was a bad wife?

I retook the quiz, several times to see what I would get. There was classy wife, faithful wife, caring wife...etc never once did I get "I am a Bad Wife."

We might think we're a bad wife every time we forget to cook dinner for our husbands, or when we start an argument about something silly, or when we forget to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or totally disregard the pile of dishes in the sink. We might think we're a bad wife because we decided to sit on the couch all day instead of clean the house, we decided to sit in the messes that were there instead of take care of them, we can't sew something that needs sewn, we just don't have the energy to be intimate with our husband, or we logged into Pinterest or read a bunch of "perfect" blogs and suddenly we realized everything we couldn't do. 

Before I got married, I wondered if I could be a good wife, I wondered if I would be the kind of wife John really needed, and wanted. Truth is, I have lazy days, I have days where I'm upset about something and I take it out on my husband, sometimes I don't cook dinner, I hate doing laundry and I might point out the negatives because sometimes "fixing" things is more important than complimenting the positives. On those days, at the end of the day when I crawl into bed I think to myself... I'm a bad wife.

Then there are days where I have energy to do everything, I try to craft something I saw on Pinterest and fail miserably but I laugh instead of getting down on myself, I cook a delicious meal, do the dishes, and tidy up the place. My husband comes home to a home, not just a place to sleep.

So what's the difference between these days? Well, to me, it's a huge difference but to my husband, he treats me the same. I'm so hard on myself, and a lot of times I don't give myself enough credit for the things that I do, or the person that I am and I know that. I'm not abnormal, I'm a woman.

We all do it, we all compare ourselves, we all dig so deep into ourselves & focus on what we CAN'T do, we don't give ourselves enough credit for the things we do for us, and for everyone else.

Be with someone who is proud to have you, on your good days and your bad days, when you're at your worst and at your best. Be with the one who supports you and pulls their weight when you're having a down day, and the guy who tells you that you do a great job decorating the house even when you're comparing every little thing to the pics on Pinterest. Some women stay in marriages where they aren't appreciated, I hope that isn't you, but if it is...you have to appreciate yourself and know that everything you do is enough. When I have days where I feel like I haven't done anything around our house I take a deep look at everything I've done, the changes we've made since we've moved in. Sure, not everything has a place and our home could use a lot more organization but it gets better with every project. Some women in a marriage where the husband could say "Thank you" and "I appreciate you" and "I love you" every single day, but we wouldn't actually hear them because of everything we've already told ourself. 

Truth is, I'm not a perfect wife & neither is anyone else. I'm a wife of many mistakes, I don't always dot my i's or cross my t's. I can be selfish and insecure, our house is full of messes and unfinished projects, and a lot of times I sit in my messes instead of cleaning them up, I let things go along with myself, but I'm always here for my husband, at the end of the day even if I'm sitting on the couch I greet him with open arms, tell him sorry for not doing anything today, and just enjoy the moment of him being home. At the end of the day I'm loyal, honest, and supportive & that's what matters.

The kind of wife I am changes every single day, and it's all based on my attitude, and every single day I learn more about being a wife. I've learned that marriage isn't easy when you have expectations of yourself & him or when you're trying to control it to go a certain way. It means having silly arguments but not holding grudges, forgiving over and over, and saying sorry over and over, it's making mistakes, it's going to bed at the end of the night mad at each other but still touching your foot with his because you can't stand the feeling of this huge wall between you two. It's waking up every morning with a clean slate, never forgetting to say I love you, It's admitting when you've hurt each other and working hard not to do it again. 

I know that if I continue to carry around this idea of a perfect wife, I will fail myself and my husband, and sooner or later I will give up. I will never feel good enough, and I will never feel perfect.

Perfect doesn't exist.

Perfect is the idea that ruins relationships.

"Perfection is self-abuse of the highest order"- Anne Wilson Schaef

Perfect is what women portray on Facebook and through reading other blogs, it's what you see on TV, what you read about in magazines, what you see on Pinterest. It's not reality but we make ourselves think that it is, and when we think that someone's perfect life is "reality" we tend to think we're not doing it right, we feel less of a person and we get down on our self.

We recently celebrated John's grandparents 60th Anniversary.

---60 years---

I thought to myself, WOW, how? His Grandma asked me "do you think you'll make it?"

Think? yes, actually I do. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think I'd be with him the rest of my life, but what's going to happen in 5, 10, 20 years from now? 

I don't know that, no one does. 

I know that no matter what, I won't be a perfect wife, or a perfect mother because that doesn't exist, that's not real. My husband knows that too, and he's not hoping I'll change, in fact he has lower expectations for me than I do for myself but sometimes I'm so far into my head that I can make myself think that he doesn't think I'm good enough. Ladies: we are not bad wives, or bad mothers/ step-mothers, we're all doing the same thing and we're all doing our best. We are normal & truth is, no one can do it better than we can, no one can be a better mom/step-mom to our kids/step-kids and no one can love our own husbands more than we do. Look at yourself through the eyes of your husband, and if that doesn't work, look at yourself through the eyes of God who created you.

Don't get down on yourself, we all deserve lazy days, we deserve to let the messes go sometimes. It's not about what we get wrong or right, it's all about how hard we try.